I’m sure we have all heard it- “not all men.”
Whether it rears its ugly head in a conversation about gendered violence or even every day microaggressions, people seem to love using this phrase as an argument against feminism. Not only am I sure we have all heard this phrase, I know we all have based on our discussion about Solnit’s writing in class.
At first, this seems like a logical response to the horrible things said about men. Surely not all men are this terrible.
This is true.
Not all men are horrible people. In fact, most men are wonderful individuals. However, this argument misses the point entirely. Unfortunately, enough men act in these ways for these statements to apply. Kirsty S. tackles this issue head on in her article “Why Men Should Stop Saying #NotAllMen. Immediately.”
Here, Kirsty discusses how damaging this seemingly common phrase is. As Kirsty puts it, “Yes, we KNOW that not every single man is responsible. Yes, we KNOW that you would never do that; and you’ve reminded us enough, thanks.” This addresses what I have brought up many times in class, the idea of not all but enough men.
She then goes on to discuss how useless of an argument “not all men” is.
“So #NotAllMen doesn’t clarify anything. It doesn’t add to the discussion or develop it in any way. All it does is derail and dismiss the lived experiences of women and girls. And what the men who leap to remind us that ‘’not all men are like that’’, are actually saying is, ‘’I’m not like that.’’ Or to put it another way, they are letting women know that discussing misogyny makes them uncomfortable, and they’d like to be absolved of any blame before they will let women continue.”
Kirsty S.
As Kirsty S. explains, yes, it is very difficult to discuss sexism and misogony. Both are heavy topics and, it is all too easy to feel like you are being accused of something awful. Instead of saying you’re “not like all men,” prove it with your words and actions and become a better ally. Unfortunately, everyone is sexist. We live in a sexist society upheld by sexist institutions. Even if you are not aware of your own aggressions, they still exist and need to be acknowledged.
Unlike Solnit’s piece, which many of my classmates decided was too aggressive to be successful, Kirsty’s piece is light and playful. She uses different memes and pictures to help lighten the mood on a very heavy topic. I think if you found Solnit’s piece to be “too much” you should really take a look at Kirsty S’s writing. She is less accusatory and more explanatory.
S, Kirsty. “Why Men Should Stop Saying #NotAllMen. Immediately.” Medium, Medium, 25 Oct. 2017, medium.com/@KirstyStricklan/why-men-should-stop-saying-notallmen-immediately-f657e244f7a1.\
E367: Writing and Diversity 
This article was amazing – honestly, I’m not even surprised anymore at all of the times I find myself nodding at your commentary in class and agreeing with the points you make, Kate. We often think in similar ways which is what brought me to your article.
The author of this article emphasizes her points in a tone that I find similar to Sojourner Truth’s “And Ain’t I A Woman?” speech, (something I had to read for my Sexualities and Gender Studies class that I really recommend): the i’m-tired-of-this,-let’s-get-down-to-business,-for-the-love-of-god type of tone, you know?
Kirsty addresses valid points that I found myself internally vocalizing when we had our own gender debate in class. The one that was ringing in my ears during our debate that Kirsty mentions was: if you are a man, reading about and hearing about things such as cat calling, mansplaining, rape culture, etc etc, and you personally feel attacked and called out, then that says something about you, doesn’t it? Somewhere deep in your subconscious, something is going “Wait. I do that. And someone called me out for it. And that makes me upset and uncomfortable.”
If you’re truly a man of good intentions who knows that they would never perform such acts against women, then reading these pieces should dishearten you and make you realize that while you personally do not perform these actions, there are men out there that do, and this should concern you for the sake of women. It should not, however, make you feel cornered and attacked, since you believe yourself to be clear of blame. If you do feel attacked… then it looks like you feel guilty in one way or another, and need to recognize these toxic actions that you perform and work on them for the sake of society and for your own well-being.
While reading this article, I found myself connecting this argument back to the black lives matter vs all lives matter issue and the “men get abused and raped too” statements that we constantly hear. In these instances, people only scream “all lives matter” when people bring up “black lives matter” and “men get abused too” if people talk about women being abused, raped, assaulted, etc. These people feel uncomfortable in these discussions and dislike the fact that certain groups are highlighted as being oppressed and maltreated without considering the bigger picture, one that includes, specifically, straight, white men.
Obviously, the plight of men who are raped and abused and the struggles that people of all races and ethnicities go through is concerning and must be addressed, but pushing down people who want to focus on one gender or one race is not how we fix these problems and is not the way to go about it. There is a time and place to discuss those issues, but not when minorities are speaking out about their own oppression and their own hardships.
This article was awesome and I’m so glad it was the one you chose to submit for this quick assignment, especially since it goes hand in hand with our class discussion of Solnit’s piece.
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Kate,
First, I would like to say that the experiment on the green was very interesting and it really demonstrated concretely the point you aim to make in your final project. Your post entitled, #NotAllMen, explains an issue that can be very difficult to discuss, in a way that powerfully states: yes, it is not all men, but saying it is not all men misconstrues the main premise of feminist’s arguments. This premise is men should not say he is “not like all men,’ instead, he should prove it with his words and actions.
I agree with this premise and I feel that if more men were proactive and focused on their actions, it would be a forward step towards solving this issue. Although it would be a step forward, I do agree that much more has to be done then just men changing their actions because we live in a society where “Unfortunately, everyone is sexist. We live in a sexist society upheld by sexist institutions.” Even acknowledging that everyone is sexist and that we live in an institutionalized sexist society, can be very difficult to acknowledge for most men. This difficulty acknowledging objective fact, highlights the sheer magnitude of solving the problem of sexism. I would like to also point out that the U.S.’s historically patriarchical society will probably be the biggest barrier to solving the issue of sexism. This leads me to one final thought: how can a society, like the United States, eradicate something so integral to its identity and existence?
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Kate,
This article is extremely powerful and I think that it will make a great contribution to your writing piece. Something that resonated with me was the line “To us to hand out cookies and ‘Well Done For Not Raping Anybody’ badges to men who rush to tell us #NotAllMen, is unreasonable at best, and insulting at worst”. After reading this article I can definitely see why this phrase can be problematic. Just as your article says, it does not “develop the conversation” and it shows that “misogyny makes them uncomfortable”. This is not the most comfortable topic, but I think that men need to be quicker to understanding and slower to self-defense. Men need to understand that women are not targeting all men, and they need to put their small feelings of uncomfortableness aside for the immense feelings of uncomfortableness some women have gone through.
However, personally I feel that controversy is about compromise, and I think that with every issue there is action to be taken for both sides of the argument. As a woman, I think it is our responsibility to inform men that we do not mean all men. I also think it is important for us to make the men who respect women, feel appreciated as well. To ignore only focus on the men who have done harm to women, would be just as problematic as when men say “Not all men”.
I think your paper is going to be powerful just like this article; I think both men and women need to read your paper to further advance this conversation.
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Kate,
I like Kate S.’s piece well enough. It strikes me as kind of Solnit-lite, as a sort of sassy, highly-carbonated version of her argument.
Here’s the story I’d tell in response: When we had our first daughter, my wife Pat was working full-time and I was a grad student, trying to finish my dissertation. So I stayed home with the baby (also named Kate—there are a lot of them in this discussion!), trying to write, while Pat went back to her job. I remember going shopping mid-afternoons for diapers or formula, or taking little Kate for a walk in her carriage, and everyone, it seemed, would stop and coo, not so much at her as at me: “Oh look, at that pretty little baby with her Dad!”
So it’s not all Dads who go off to work while Mom (or the nanny) raises the kids. It’s just that we assume that going to work is what Dads do, while Moms tend to stay home, and I think it doesn’t much matter whether one in ten or five or four or three Dads or Moms do something different, we still know what’s expected, what the norm is. And my (quite strong) impression is that the norm is that, in our culture, men speak and women listen. So I don’t think that saying, “I/i> bought diapers for my little baby!” or “I,/i> don’t explain things to women” really addresses the problem—which has more to do with expectations than with the behavior of individuals.
I look forward to reading your piece.
Joe
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